Allison Holker broke down in tears in her first TV interview since her husband Stephen “tWitch” Boss’ death as she discussed how difficult it’s been talking to their kids about the loss.
“It’s honestly something I wouldn’t wish for anybody. It’s really hard,” Holker told Hoda Kotb through sobs on the “Today” show Wednesday. “But if I’ve learned anything, it’s that communication is key.”
She added, “There’s been some really hard conversations.”
The former “Ellen DeGeneres Show” DJ, who died by suicide in December, had adopted Holker’s 14-year-old daughter, Weslie, and together they welcomed son Maddox, 7, and daughter Zaia, 3.
“To us, Daddy’s in the stars,” Holker said. “So we can go outside and talk to him whenever we want. … They just ask, ‘When is Daddy coming back?’ and that’s a really hard one.”
But Holker, who penned a touching note to her children in March amid their struggles, finds it most heartbreaking when her kids ask if their father will ever return.
“It’ll be a couple weeks later, ‘But does he come back when he’s older? Like, when Daddy’s older, he’ll come back?’” she said. “But they are still children and still obviously want him here.”
Even when she wants to break down, Holker noted that she has to hold it together for her family.
“I don’t really have any other choice but to be strong,” she said. “Now, they still see me have my highs and lows because there’s a lot of it. All I can do is just try to move forward.”
While four months have passed since her husband’s death, Holker said she is still in shock.
“I still feel like the rest of the world where I’m still shocked,” she told Kotb. “No one’s ready for that moment, and there’s no one that saw this coming. No one — and that breaks my heart too.”
Holker admitted she is “sad” that she had no idea Boss had been struggling with his mental health.
“He wanted to be the strong one for everyone, and I think that was a little scary for him to think that he might need to ask for help,” she shared. “He was so much love and light. He really wanted to be everyone’s Superman, and he said that a lot.”
Holker often looks back and asks herself if she missed any signs but then reminds herself that there is nothing she could have done.
“I eventually had to tell myself, ‘I can’t change anything that’s happened,'” she said, adding “I got 13 years with one of the most magical humans, and I learned so much about love and gratitude.”
Holker wanted to share her experience on “Today” to bring awareness during Suicide Prevention Month.
“What I really would love is to bring awareness to mental health, open up the conversations, but to hopefully help people to feel comfortable asking for that help,” she explained. “I really do wanna make an impact on behalf of someone I love so much.”
She and her family are also partnering with her local branch of the National Alliance on Mental Illness to honor Boss’ memory.
The dancers fell in love while both competing on Season 7 of “So You Think You Can Dance.” They ended up dating for three years before Boss popped the question. They tied the knot in 2013.
But on Dec. 13, 2022, Holker’s whole world changed when Boss’ body was found in an LA hotel after she had concerns about his whereabouts. Later that day, his cause of death was ruled a suicide by a gunshot to the head. He was 40.
Just days before his death, Holker, 35, and Boss had celebrated their ninth wedding anniversary.
“Saying YES to @sir_twitch_alot has been one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life!! I feel so blessed and loved!!” she wrote in an Instagram post at the time. “I love you baby and I will never take you or OUR love for granted! I LOVE YOU #happyanniversary#bosswedding2013.”
Last month, Pvnew reported that Holker was granted half of Boss’ estate.
