It was a long night for Tom Brady at his live Netflix comedy roast, as it was for the rest of us watching from home.
Starting with a bloody OJ Simpson jersey and ending with Tom Brady smashing an iPhone on stage, the Netflix live event, “The Greatest Roast of All-Time: Tom Brady,” honored the seven-time Super Bowl champion and modern-day legend as he faced his biggest challenge yet: being roasted by comedians and his former NFL teammates.
At times hilarious and at others a bit cringe-worthy, the unedited live event was a lengthy affair that made one truly appreciate the editors of the Comedy Central Roasts. Their task was to condense the content into a concise, entertaining 60-minute presentation. Nonetheless, the “joke of the night” came from the GOAT when addressing Kim Kardashian and referencing her ex-husband Kanye West: “I know Kim was terrified to be here tonight. Not because of this, but because her kids are at home with their dad.”
When Kardashian took the stage to perform a toast to Brady, and was met with an onslaught of audible boos, with Hart coming to her aid.
Popular on PvNew
Part of Netflix Is a Joke Fest, “Greatest Roasts of All Time: Tom Brady” featured the former quarterback, known for his 20 seasons with the New England Patriots and three with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, taking humorous jabs from some of the biggest names in comedy. Hosted by Kevin Hart and Roastmaster Jeff Ross, the event included former teammates Julian Edelman, Rob Gronkowski, and Drew Bledsoe, as well as stand-up comics Tom Segura, Nikki Glaser, Andrew Schulz, Bert Kreischer, Tony Hinchcliffe, Sam Jay, and more.
“We’re here to roast the greatest quarterback of all time,” Hart quipped. “Oh, wait, Joe Montana’s here?”
A montage of Brady’s achievements, starting from his days at the University of Michigan and highlighting his journey to becoming a three-time NFL MVP, set the stage for the evening.
Brady made a grand entrance onto a stage surrounded by his former teammates, exclaiming to the crowd, “Are you guys ready? It’s game time. Let’s go!”
VIP tables, occupied by Chelsea Handler, Jim Gaffigan, Shane Gillis, and Netflix executives Ted Sarandos and Bela Bajaria, encircled the stage, adding to the star-studded atmosphere of the event.
Former teammate “Gronk” took the spotlight with the most peculiar moments of the night, delivering a sometimes incoherent barrage of jokes that culminated in smashing a glass on the stage, causing it to shatter and send shards flying onto nearby tables.
Here are some of the best jokes and craziest moments from the special:
- “This is where Jerry Bus laid his dick out. This was called the Fucking Forum.” – Kevin Hart
- “Tom brought Boston with him tonight. I’ve never seen Inglewood so white. It looks like a Bruce Springsteen concert just let out. This used to be the home of the Lakers; now it’s the home of the Quakers.” – Kevin Hart
- “I’m not here for your support. I’m here for the money. They paid me very well.” — Kevin Hart
- “It’s been two years since Tom has gotten divorced. And since then, Tom’s been fucking. Tom has been putting that two-inch tool to work. Tom has been fucking so much; his dick has gotten CTE.” — Kevin Hart
- “Gisele is here as Antonio Brown’s plus one.” — Kevin Hart
- “You know who else fucked that coach. Gisele. She fucked that karate man…. eight karate classes a day, and she’s still a white belt?” — Kevin Hart
- “Chelsea Handler is here…. Speaking of black dick, Kim is here tonight.”
- “I’ve just come from hell. Aaron Hernandez says hello.” — Jeff Ross
- “I had to dress like OJ because I’m about to kill this white bitch right here.” — Jeff Ross
- “You really put the Jizz in Gisele.” — Jeff Ross
- “You look like a vampire that only drinks almond blood.” — Jeff Ross
- “I really wanted Kevin [Hart] to host because he already looks like a deflated football.” — Jeff Ross
- “Surely, if Mark Twain were around today, he would call you a N…. a national treasure.” — Jeff Ross
- “I love you, Dana; you’re like Michael Vick but with human beings.” — Jeff Ross
- “We’re doing it Boston style tonight. You know it’s going to marathon, and somebody’s gonna bomb.” — Jeff Ross
- “We wanted to roast you in Florida, but because of your governor, we wouldn’t have been able to call you gay.” — Jeff Ross
- “I’m the best decision your organization has ever made. Would you like a massage?”– Jeff Ross
- “Why the fuck didn’t we cheat when I was there?” — Randy Moss
- “The only difference between Tom Brady and Hitler is that Hitler stuck with his wife until the end.” — Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer
- “I love your movies, or as I like to call them, short films.” — Nikki Glaser towards Kevin Hart
- “Your ex wife’s new boyfriend can kick your ass while eating hers.” — Nikki Glaser
- “That’s why Dana [White] is here, so you can learn how to fuck a Brazilian out of half their purse. Sorry that was a Gisele quote” — Andrew Schulz
- “Or as I like to call him, Leonardo DiCaprio‘s ex-girlfriend’s ex-husband.” — Julian Edelman
- “This stage has seen more trauma than a Kennedy on the campaign trail.” — Andrew Schulz
- “ACL is the only injury Gronk can spell.” — Andrew Schulz
- “Nikki, who wrote that? Where was that your entire career.” — Tony Hinchcliffe:
- “your Super Bowl ring is just like my strap-on; just because you put it on doesn’t mean it’s real.” — Sam Jay
Matt Donnelly contributed to this report.
