Jimmy Kimmel didn’t pull any punches in his opening Oscars monologue, poking fun at several Hollywood hot topics during Sunday’s ceremony.
Kimmel, who is hosting for the fourth time, congratulated the audience for “making it on time. The show is starting an hour early this year, but it will go very, very late. We’re already five minutes late, and I’m not even joking,” he said.
The comedian poked fun at the recent box office bomb “Madame Web” near the top of the monologue, saying, “It was also a great year for movies, despite the fact that everything stopped. The people in this room somehow managed to come up with so many excellent films and memorable performances. This night is full of enormous talent, and untold potential, but so was ‘Madame Web.'”
He also joked about “Barbie” director Greta Gerwig not getting a best director nod, saying, “Now, Barbie is a feminist icon, thanks to Greta Gerwig, who many believed deserved to be nominated for best director tonight. Hold on a second. I know you’re clapping, but you’re the ones who didn’t vote for her, by the way. Don’t act like you had nothing to do with this.”
Kimmel also riffed on Robert Downey Jr.‘s Hollywood redemption story, saying he is at “one of the highest points of his career.”
After the actor tapped his nose in recognition, Kimmel said, “Was that too on the nose or a drug motion you made? Look at him, he’s so handsome, so talented, he’s won every award there is to win. Is that an acceptance speech in your pocket or do you just have a very rectangular penis? 20 years ago, Robert played the villain, and correct me if I have this wrong, in a movie where Tim Allen turns into a dog, right? And if you ever decide to remake that film, I have just the guy to play Tim Allen. That is — where is he? Messi. Even though he’s a dog, may have given the performance of the year in ‘Anatomy of a Fall.’ He has an overdose scene. I haven’t seen a French actor vomit like that since Gérard Depardieu.”
The comedian also commented on a common complaint of award season: the movies were too long.
“There were so many great movies that held audiences captive this year,” he said. “And I mean that literally. Your movies were too long this year. The average length of the top ten movies was 2 hours and 23 minutes. That’s up 30 minutes from three years ago. When I went to see ‘Killers of the Flower Moon,’ I had my mail sent to the theater. It’s so long, you could drive to Oklahoma and solve the murders yourself.”
Before the ceremony, Kimmel spoke about the difficulty of narrowing down pop culture targets for the big night.
“I have three times as much material as I need,” he said. “I have to figure out what to cut and what to keep. That’s difficult because you do fall in love with jokes and then you hate to cut them. You know you have a good show when you’re cutting good jokes.”
Kimmel also hosted last year’s Oscars and made headlines for joking about Will Smith slapping Chris Rock at the 2022 ceremony.
“We want you to have fun, feel safe, and, most importantly, we want me to feel safe,” Kimmel said to the star-studded audience. “So, we have strict policies in place. If anyone in this theater commits an act of violence at any point during the show, you will be awarded the Oscar for best actor and permitted to give a 19-minute long speech. But seriously, the academy has a crisis team in place. If anything unpredictable or violent happens during the show, sit there and do absolutely nothing. Maybe even give the assailant a hug.”
Watch the full monologue below.
