From serving drinks to passengers on a transatlantic flight to posing in his tighty-whities for a billboard, Lewis Capaldi‘s reputation as music’s joker is hard-won. While the Scot’s wit and willingness to do just about anything for a laugh are on full display in his Netflix documentary, “How I’m Feeling Now,” Capaldi drops the mask long enough to share his Tourette’s diagnosis and struggle with imposter syndrome. A decision that weighed heavily. “I don’t know if you’re aware,” he deadpans, “but people are cunts.”
Be that as it may, Capaldi forged ahead with the documentary. “I didn’t think I had a story that needed to be told,” he says, but director Joe Pearlman and his colleagues at Pulse Films saw it differently. The “Someone You Loved” hitmaker ultimately went along for the ride because he imagined the film as something of a victory lap. “I thought it was going to be triumphant,” he laughs. “But then COVID happened and they’re filming me sniffing my underpants.”
“From that very first meeting with Lewis, it was obvious to us all that he was an incredibly complicated young man struggling with everything that was happening to him,” Pearlman says. “The mix of self deprecation, self doubt, enormous talent and Lewis’s brilliantly quick wit, it was obvious we had something very special on our hands.”
With the world suddenly grinding to a halt, Capaldi began to crumble under the pressure of conjuring a sophomore album as successful as “Divinely Uninspired to a Hellish Extent,” his mega-selling debut — and cameras were there to capture it. True to form, Capaldi initially tries to laugh off his mounting anxiety in the film as he tinkers away at songs in his parents’ shed in suburban Whitburn, Scotland during lockdown.
There are jaw-dropping anecdotes about the world’s worst one-night stand (“mom had to come pick me up because I had a panic attack shortly after climax”) and unorthodox pep talks from superstars (Elton John jokingly threatens to bring out Capaldi’s “latent homo” if he doesn’t overcome his self-doubt). However, the singer-songwriter’s nerves begin to manifest physically as tics and the film takes an unexpected turn.
“It was terrifying to share it,” Capaldi admits. “Even though I’m open and forthcoming online, it’s usually through quite a jovial lens.” While he had revealed his struggle with anxiety and eventual Tourette’s diagnosis prior to the documentary’s release, sharing footage of physical therapy sessions, family arguments born of concern, and graphic information about the side-effects of medication is another thing entirely. Ultimately, Capaldi chose complete candor to avoid potential misunderstandings.
“I have this thing,” he says referring to his Tourette’s, “and I’d rather just tell people what it is than them being like, ‘Oh, is he on drugs?’ I hate all that unnecessary worry.” The 26-year-old is now bracing himself for the reaction from viewers. “For every supportive person and every kind word you get, you’re going to have people who slate it or send it up,” Capaldi says. The thought of reaching someone else at rock bottom makes it easier: “If people notice things that are concurrent with what’s going on in their life, then it’s all been worth it.”
If that sounds like Therapy Speak, well, that’s because it is. Capaldi has been working on himself over the last 18 months, but he still hasn’t won the battle with Imposter Syndrome as his sophomore album, “Broken by Desire to Be Heavenly Sent,” looms large. Not even landing consecutive No. 1 hits in the U.K. — with lead single “Forget Me” and its follow-up “Pointless” — could assuage those self-doubts. “It hasn’t shifted at all,” Capaldi says. “I can’t imagine being in a position where I think I deserve to be doing this.”
Progress has been made, however, in the way he processes those emotions. “I’m probably better at not letting it override me and let the foremost thoughts in my head be negative ones.” Capaldi now realizes that doubt is part of life. “Everybody has imposter syndrome to some degree,” he says. “It’s a human thing as opposed to a me thing.” Just as the hitmaker threatens earnestness, he cracks: “It makes me feel better knowing that other people are suffering is what I’m trying to say here.”
Whether or not Capaldi’s sophomore album reaches the same commercial heights as his debut, he’s proud of a body of work that started in a shed with only a cardboard cutout of Niall Horan to keep him company (“he’s always watching over me and I need to impress him”). Of the 12 songs on the record, 11 originate from the lockdown sessions seen in the film. “It’s a COVID baby,” he says, before elaborating on the creative upside of lockdown.
“If it hadn’t been for COVID, I probably would have put a record out sooner,” Capaldi says. “There was no rush because I couldn’t tour it and that’s sort of the whole point for me.” The extended gestation period also makes “Broken by Desire to Be Heavenly Sent” something of a time capsule. “How I’m Feeling Now,” the song from which the documentary takes its title, closes the album. “It’s quite a sad song,” Capaldi says. “Cut to a year later, and I don’t feel like that at all.”
While Capaldi is slowly embracing positive thinking, he’s still not quite as sure what to do with reviews of his documentary. “It’s different with music,” he says. “I really put my heart and soul into making this thing, but for the documentary — I just existed and it was filmed. I guess you’re just reviewing whether my life is shitty or not.” In true Capaldi style, he ends with a self-deprecating quip: “If it gets one star, I think I’ll have to reevaluate a few things.”
